JOKES JOKES JOKES

There are two groups of people in the world; those who believe that the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don't.

There are 10 groups of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don't - Wynn Davies...you should be ashamed of that joke!!!

Let epsilon be < 0

Did you hear about about the nasty statistician?

He had a mean streak

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.

Question: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

Answer: To get to the other ... er, um ...

Question: What is the biggest fence at the Grand National?

Answer: The perimeter fence.

Question: What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples?

Answer: A GCSE mathematics problem.

Question: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?

Answer: | elephant | * | banana | * sin (theta)

Question: What if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber.

Answer: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar.

Question: What's purple and commutes?

Answer: An abelian grape.

Question: What's a polar bear?

Answer: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Question: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?

Answer: Because he wasn't Abel.

"Johnny: what is 5 + 5?"

"Is it 11 miss?"

"No, 5 + 5 = 10"

"But yesterday you said that 6 + 4 = 10!"

Teacher Now suppose the number of sheep is x...

Student: Yes, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy looked at the problem and said, "Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"

One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The bar tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?". Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.

Definitions

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle is a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."

The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."

The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

"Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

The philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?" and the logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person.

"They have multiplied", said the biologist.

"Oh no, an error in measurement", the physicist sighed.

"If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again", the mathematician concluded.

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.

The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.

The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."

The physicist and the engineer are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. They yell out for help: "Helllloooooo! Where are we?"

15 minutes later, they hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're in a hot-air balloon!!"
The physicist says, "That must have been a mathematician."

The engineer asks, "Why do you say that?"

The physicist replied: "The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless."

LIMERICK CORNER